Relationships Blossom as Roots are Exposed
“Without a true friend, a man cannot discern the errors of his own actions.”
Chinese Proverb
As with an iceberg, relationships that keep thoughts, feelings and grievances hidden beneath the surface, risk frequent disharmonies that undermine a person’s legitimate desire for intimacy. Without honest and full communication—such as that between true friends—relationships wither and die. The more people involved in a relationship, the more complicated and challenging their interactions.
While we are all challenged by relationships in different ways, Pathwork considers relationships the ideal way to evoke life’s tests and trials as well as offer significant opportunities for growth.
”… relationship represents the greatest challenge for the individual, for it is only in relationship to others that unresolved problems still existing within the individual psyche are affected and activated. This is why many individuals withdraw from interaction with others. The illusion can sometimes be maintained that the problems arise from the other person when one feels disturbance only in his or her presence, and not when by oneself.”
For it is only in relationships that unresolved problems trigger our emotional reactions and defensive attitudes. It is nearly impossible to be in a close relationship and avoid countless disagreements and disharmonies. Too often we blame these problems on our mate, partner or friend. In truth, all parties play a part in any friction or discord. With a modicum of insight, we can recognize our repeated counterproductive patterns and the role we continually repeat. In the deepest sense we are all drawn into close relationships to learn the lessons they provide and ultimately develop a more intimate relationship with our self.
In some cultural and spiritual traditions isolation and avoidance of close human contact is seen as a way to get closer to the Tao or Source of Life. In fact, the Pathwork considers relationships to be our fastest route to the Divine. Our deepest human relationships require physical, mental and emotional maturity; they require us to look deeply at ourselves and then challenge our beliefs and perspectives over and over again. We gradually learn that the depth of our relationships has a profound effect on our well-being and sense of fulfillment.
Unearthing what is buried—where to look.
Many factors make relationships challenging. One is inherent in human nature itself and the other is imbedded in our childhood experiences. Human beings have a real desire and need for closeness as well as a real fear of others. We naturally bond to others for safety. We instinctively feel safer in a group that offers to help protect us from dangers, both real and imagined. Yet as we are drawn to interact with other people, fears are naturally evoked. Fears include anxiety about losing power or control as well as concern that we’ll have to submit to the wishes of another and lose our integrity. Our earliest relationship experiences become a template for all future interactions. Although we grow up physically and intellectually our emotions do not always keep pace with that growth. Immature ideas that are suppressed below our conscious awareness make adult relationships volatile and challenging. Here are a two examples of misconceptions we carry from childhood to adulthood:
“I can be happy only if I can have what I want, the way I want it, when I want it. Otherwise I will be unhappy.”
"If they loved and approved of me completely and did exactly as I want, I could be happy.”
Anything short of this perfect condition creates an unacceptable situation that must be changed or I’ll be unhappy and it will be their fault. My dissatisfaction is solely due to others denying my wishes and this is a constant source of frustration and despair. We believe that love requires complete surrender to our every desire. This misconception leads to the fear of loving others since we erroneously equate love with submissiveness, suffocation and sometimes even slavery.
These demands for total compliance sound preposterous to the adult mind but with a little self-exploration we can all find some version of this distortion within us. By being attentive to the many voices inside us and then completing the following sentences the child that still lives within will expose its misunderstandings. These misconceptions have a disabling affect until they are discovered and corrected.
“It is all their fault, if only they would…..”
“If they really loved me, they would….”
The conflicting forces within, one desiring close connection and one fearing intimacy, create tension and strife in our life.
